Addiction: The Loneliest War
For me, the hardest part of addiction isn’t the empty wallet, constant nausea, chronic pain, the shaking, the inability to feel like you’re on Earth if your veins aren’t crawling with sedatives, or even the idea that once I’ve dug a hole deep enough, I won’t be able to crawl out.
The worst part is the aching loneliness.
Clicking on my phone and not seeing any missed calls or text messages, because the last of my family members that talked to me cut me off after I stole what was left in their wallets. And lied about it.
I didn’t feel good about the lying. I felt awful. Feel awful.
But deep down, I knew that lying was the easy way out. It was easier than trying to explain my feelings, trying to rationalize everything that was going on in my head, and put it into simple sentences rather than garbled nonsense.
Addiction was a battle I fought alone because I felt as though I had no other choice.
Until I couldn’t take it anymore, and asked for help, like I should’ve a long, long time ago.
Fentanyl: The King of my Life and Ruler of my Mind
It was easy how it got started: my wisdom teeth got removed, and I was prescribed fentanyl for the pain. I took it daily, and only then did I learn how highly addictive it was.
These treatment programs can include intensive And that was that. Simple prescription drugs led to full-blown fentanyl abuse.As much as I tried to quit, the withdrawal symptoms were so severe that I felt it was easier to keep using, and no matter how broke I was, the anxiety and fear I felt at the idea of quitting outweighed any rational thought in my brain.
My fentanyl addiction ruled my entire life, and it was a slow climb to the top. A quiet coup d’etat, until addiction was the only ruler of my mind.
Months of Consistent Drug Abuse Led Me To Realize Enough was Enough
When I started to realize I had a drug addiction, I spent a lot of time on the internet and social media, browsing forums and addiction awareness accounts. Everywhere I looked urged me to quit. It was only the tiny voice in the back of my mind that was telling me it was easier to keep going than to quit now.
Yet, no matter how much I tried to quit alone, the fentanyl detox symptoms were too much. The chills and fever made me feel hazier than any high I had ever experienced, like pneumonia manifested in my head as well as my body. Urging me to stop trying, it was easier to be an addict than to be in this much pain all the time.
As my addiction worsened, so did everything else in my life. My finances, my relationships, my job. I was laid off for showing up with a hangover one too many times. My family cut me off once I resorted to stealing from them. I was alone.
My searches on the internet became less about awareness and more about fentanyl addiction treatment, and what I could do to help myself quit, but for good.
How Rehab Services Helped with Detox
Detox from my fentanyl addiction wasn’t any easier once I was in inpatient care, but it became more of a commitment to see it through to the end.
The trained medical staff created an environment where I was under constant care and surveillance, and it was the first time in my addiction treatment journey that I truly felt as though I wasn’t alone.
That realization was more euphoric than any high fentanyl could’ve given me. I considered finding a treatment program near me but just there just wasn’t anything that felt like a good fit. If I can give some advice, rather it’s a fentanyl addiction treatment program Ohio, Texas, California or any other state, it’s important to find a place you can heal. That’s exactly what I did when I traveled to Zoe.
The Beauty of Group Therapy
Another service rehab provided me with was group therapy, and I am eternally grateful for the impact it’s had on my psyche regarding my addiction.
I met many, many wonderful and intriguing people, all of which were grappling with the same issues, including fentanyl addiction or other drugs, as me. It was like a breath of fresh air after breathing in pollution for so long.There were people of all shapes and sizes: old, young, varying races, genders, and backgrounds. No two people were the same, yet we all shared this thread of commonality that wouldn’t have existed otherwise.
Due to being able to share these experiences, we are also lucky enough to share in each other’s sobriety journeys and live out the rest of our lives with one another, clean and reborn.
Lessons I Learned that You Should Too
There are a few things to remember that have helped me exponentially:
- Sobriety isn’t linear. Thinking about fentanyl doesn’t mean I failed, thinking about relapsing doesn’t mean I failed, and fully relapsing doesn’t mean I failed. And it doesn’t mean you failed, either. Rehab helps with relapse prevention, but it doesn’t guarantee a life without drugs. Fentanyl addiction isn’t going to go away, even with treatment.
- There is always someone on your side. Even as hopeless as it can feel in the journey to get sober, and as alone as you can feel, there is always someone that wants to help you. Whether it’s a loved one or a stranger. But they cannot help you if you do not want help, or do not accept it.
- A healthy lifestyle is essential for maintaining sobriety. I find waking up early every morning to meditate to be the best method for me in maintaining a positive mindset. Some of my friends work out, some have other activities that bring them tranquility. Further, seeking out Anonymous meetings and joining programs have helped me maintain the lessons I learned in rehab services.
- Addiction is chronic. It doesn’t go away, even after treatment. Even if addiction cannot be purged, however, recovery is entirely possible.
The Takeaway
I cannot undo the mistakes I made while I was grappling with substance abuse and fentanyl addiction, but I can continue to maintain a healthy mindset and stay true to myself.
I’m rebuilding my life, one brick at a time. You can, too. It’s never too late.